Anti-social socialising

I am so sick of people using social media to abuse others.

Yesterday, someone tweeted prominent professor of classics Mary Beard "However, I would like M Beard to shut up, but as a woman I can say that". So I could have tweeted "Fuck off back to Closer magazine, you vapid eighth-wit!" in response and that would have been fine, because I'm packin' the double X, right?

No.

I think those who use social media as a platform to abuse need pity rather than confrontation. They're probably very lonely, judging by their appalling views and personalities, and any kind of response to their abuse is giving them the attention they crave. Of course threats of violence, such as those made to short-track speed skater Elise Christie, should be dealt with swiftly by PC Plod. I hope those who are abusing Ms Christie have a cabinet full of Olympic medals, otherwise they're going to look really sad and pathetic.

Is it any wonder though, really? Professor Beard also made the point in her recent lecture about bad behaviour in Parliament, where women MPs are frequently heckled and shouted over when giving speeches or asking questions. Given the current front bench are almost exclusively men educated way above their intellect and instilled with the arrogance of their born to rule class, shouting at women is easy. God knows running a country competently is way beyond their abilities. This circus of blaming the poor, sick, disabled and unBritish for the mistakes of the bankers isn't washing anymore, but I'm sure they're plotting who to spit venom at next, ably assisted by their toxic lapdogs The Daily Mail and The Daily Express. Has anyone been on The Daily Mail's website today? Just wondering who they're calling fat or old, or which 14-year-old daughter of a celebrity is getting the "leggy lovely" treatment. Probably two pages after their latest hysterical piece on paedophiles hiding up every tree. Don't worry, parents, they're just Daily Mail photographers. Then we have the likes of Katie Hopkins, who seems to be employed by television producers solely to troll those she feels are beneath her, as if having a kid called Tyler is worse than fucking a married man in a field. She seems quite proud of her status as husband-stealer, but once a cheat always a cheat and in ten years' time she could well be catching him in a field with a hot 20-year-old. Karma is a beautiful thing. With politics, the press and television swimming in the sludge of contempt for others, is it any wonder inadequates feel comfortable abusing people on social media?

But women have a role to play in silencing other women as well, as our friend in the second paragraph shows. I was told frequently by other women that I should hide my intelligence because men would find it intimidating. I'm not interested in men who are intimidated by intelligent women. Sure, I could giggle and twirl my hair but where would that get me? As soon as I started talking about Star Wars the game would be pretty much up. The women who told me that based their entire worth on getting a man. They judged themselves purely by who they were married to, as if standing on their own would have them marked out as some kind of weirdo. Never mind that most of them were in desperately unhappy relationships, because God forbid you be happier alone than with a man. Of course, given my current situation they were probably right, but stuffing down my opinions so a poor widdle empty-headed man doesn't feel fweatened is just not my problem. How many women have stuck themselves with a total bore because they won't admit they know all the answers on Pointless? Quite a few I expect.

So men abuse women online because they're inadequate, and women abuse women online because they want to show how feminine they are by not using big words and trying to shut up women who do. Well, as ever, it's not that simple. What we really have to address is when "feminine" became synonymous with "dumb" for some people, and why some men feel so powerless and lost as women slowly but surely rise up to meet them. If their masculinity is based on femininity being subordinate, then there are going to be more and more inadequate men turning up to abuse others. I do pity them, and hope they can find a peace within themselves. As for my sisters, they should probably give back their equal pay and maternity rights if feminism bothers them that much. Somehow I doubt it does.

Mission: Creep

I belong to a dating site. For some reason a tiny part of my brain keeps telling me there's an awesome man out there who's perfect for me, despite all evidence to the contrary. I don't mean there aren't awesome men out there, because there are - loads of them in fact. They just seem to pass me by.

Two nights ago I got a message from one of them. It was perfectly polite and normal, asking if I'd seen a particular TV programme, and all spelled correctly. I didn't find him attractive but I'll usually respond if I think I can have a decent conversation. I jumped on to his profile. This dating site gives you questions to answer in an attempt to match up personalities but how effective they are I don't know.

For the question "No means...?" he'd answered "A no is just a yes that needs a little more persuading." I went back to his profile and blocked him.

Did he really not consider how reading that would make me feel? What would he do to persuade me? Would it involve drugs? His fists? A knife? Would he follow me home or bombard me with phonecalls, texts or emails? It shows a breath-taking lack of empathy for women. Most women have feared sexual assault at some point in their lives, even if it's not all the time, or even every day, or just in certain situations. Such as being with a man who thinks he's entitled to persuade her to have sex with him. Some men answer that question "No means yes!" and they are rapists. They should be in jail. In fact, I think if my local police force set up a fake account on there they could probably solve some outstanding rape cases. These men are saying women are obligated to have sex with them, they won't take no for an answer, and they're quite willing to admit this, in public, in full view of women they're presumably trying to form a relationship with.

I do think "Yes means yes" would be a more effective anti-rape campaign, simply because too many men are thinking "Well, she didn't say no" when sexually assaulting passed-out girls at parties. It's bad enough that they're rapists without having to listen to their weaselly semantics.

As an aside, another thing that worries me is how prevalent it is in romantic comedies to have men chasing after women who've said no. If I turn a man down, I don't want him showing up at my place of work with flowers, crashing my nights out with friends, or following me down the road in his car. Why do women think this is romantic? Call the police and get an injunction. Or maybe this is a play hard to get thing I don't understand. Women thinking men want to be treated that way. Men thinking women expect them to behave that way. And then those of us who think it's totally creepy behaviour get swamped by people who think this is how it should be.

And that's probably why I'm single.

Free

This has nothing to do with writing.

Just so we're clear.

I'm in my mid-thirties now. I'm single, never been married, and I have no children. The children thing is entirely by choice. God only knows which of my previous disasters I'd still have to see every weekend if I'd had kids. But, I would very much like to get married. I am under no illusions about my suitability for such an arrangement, to go all Jane Austen about it. I'd be a terrible wife, if you accept the definition of "wife", which as far as a lot of men are concerned is "child-bearer, maid and sex slave."

I have personally encountered "My wife doesn't understand me!" It was in a pub, about two years ago. He started chatting to me and the first thing I looked for was a wedding ring. And there it was. That's your first mistake, mister. I don't do married men. Never have, never will. It's bad karma. So, he starts in with the whole "You're a very attractive woman" thing. I said "Isn't your wife an attractive woman?" and he prevaricates and then it turns out he has three children. So, his wife is sitting at home looking after kids this man shot sperm to conceive, while he's out chatting up other women and SHE doesn't understand HIM? Heh. Yeah. I said "Why don't you divorce her, then?" It was like he'd been slapped in the face. Divorce had never occured to him, and why would it? He's got a woman at home pushing out kids and doing all his washing and ironing for him. I can understand it on an unemotional level - I'm free. I don't have a noisy house, I wouldn't make demands on his time, I would be something different and interesting. Until I wasn't interesting or different anymore. One thing I've learned is that in general, men don't stay in relationships that don't suit them anymore. And if they don't suit them, they'll play low and dirty. I'm enough of a bitch to be immune to their manipulative shite, but not every woman is. Especially if she's financially reliant on him. Maybe he didn't really want to marry her, and maybe she didn't really want to marry him. Maybe they settled. They did what was expected of them.

I would not and will not settle. I won't do that. It doesn't interest me. And I think too many people do it. I don't mean it as a criticism. It can be hard to go against the flow and choose to do something different. But I've met so many women who end up trapped in unhappy marriages once they have children. Women with children often work part time, and those that work full time are often hit with huge childcare costs. They simply can't afford to be single, even though I would argue once you have kids you can never really be single again, male or female. At least whatever else happens in my life, I won't be trapped. I will always be free.

Why the whole single parent thing is bollocks

So, you'll often read in the right-wing press about how "single mothers" are responsible for the whole horror that is heaped upon society. I've never bought this, and I don't now. To be feminist about it, for every single mother, there's a father who's not around. Now, this may be due to violence, death, or general not-giving-a-fuckedness, but it's really unfair to imply that women randomly get pregnant by any sperm donor going. I've read about men complaining that their pregnant exes are taking up too much of their time or wanting money for abortions, or actually expecting some kind of financial support after the squawling brat is born. Know what could save you all this stress and hassle, men? Wear one single condom. Maybe she's not on the Pill. Think about it.

I don't like children. I really don't. But that's beside the point.

My great-great-great grandma Isabella Stewart (c.1856-1901) was a single mother. In Victorian Scotland. When it was all Presbyterian and stuff. She was a Catholic, so probably didn't care what the Presbyterians thought. Most of my Catholic ancestors were either pregnant when they got married, or had children before they did so. This whole idea of "Victorian ethics" is kinda blown out the water, dontcha think? Maybe it was only Protestants who had Victorian ethics. I dunno.

Men all over the world who want to place the blame on women for their own sexual mistakes are weak, and they are cowards. People have autonomy over their own bodies first and foremost - my body is mine to do as I please with. I choose not to use it to produce children, and that's just as valid as women and men who do decide they want to bring another life in to this world. But except in very limited circumstances, such as rape, refusal to use birth control is a joint deal. It's the whole basis of mysogyny - she made me. I couldn't help it. Well I didn't think she'd get pregnant. But at the same time, women who don't want babies have an equal responsibility to make sure it doesn't happen. If you're lying about your contraception, getting pregnant to trap a man, or deliberately deceiving him to get a tiny human being who's going to puke on you a lot, then hell mend you. I'm constantly amazed at the number of adults who can't have a serious conversation about this. If you can't say the word "condom" without giggling then you're really not emotionally old enough to be having sex.

My point is, there is always a story behind everything. And this whole idea that women were chaste and pure before they got married is bollocks. I notice no such requirement has ever been placed on men. My Isabella could take your grandma any day.