Phoned in

My good friend Lisa has prompted this post. She used to work on a sex line. Everything I say below is entirely my interpretation - I neither claim nor want to speak for Lisa, and nothing I say from here on in is a representation of her views, or a view of the work she did.

This is probably a bit outdated too, because who phones a sex line these days? But the issue of wanting an immediate woman is an enduring one. From men who will wank on a bus or heavy-breathe down inappropriate avenues like directory enquiries, any woman with a voice and a body is fair game to some.

My least favourite newspaper is The Sun. I know you probably think it's The Daily Mail, but The Daily Mail is funny. You can clutch your pearls and swoon to every headline. The Sun is currently slut-shaming a young woman who gave blowjobs to 24 men in a drunken pursuit to win a "holiday". She was then presented with a £4 "holiday cocktail". Hahaha. How hilarious. We done you so good. You slag.

Apart from triple-strength antibiotics, if such a thing exists, nobody needs to tell that lassie anything. If she wants to give 24 blowjobs she can have at it as far as I'm concerned. If anything I'm more surprised that 24 grown men would allow their presumably average penises to be on display to that many people. And after they're drunk too. I'm impressed that her mouth was good enough to combat the brewer's droop. She's pretty much a heroine.

Catering to male sexuality is very, very easy. As they're always so keen to tell us, it's just boys being boys, isn't it? I refuse to believe most men are so basic and thick. If it was possible for men to display their penises in the same way that women can display their breasts this might be a whole different argument. At the same time, my personal sexual preferences beyond him being a man are between me and my sexual partner. I, and no doubt they, have many tales to tell, but theirs are not mine to share.

Male sexuality is not a weird and awful thing, in general. Are some men so awful to women because their sexuality scares them, or because women's sexuality scares them? Is wanting sex with something "weak" such a terrible thing? It is to some of them. They hate women but they want them, but their clumsy pick-up lines and jokes about basements and gaffer tape don't go down that well. Who knew?! And the "Lesbians just haven't had good sex with a man!" idea. Really? Are they going to have good sex with you? I can pretty much guarantee that they're not. I'm willing to bet good money that most men who take a keen interest in lesbian sex are those who couldn't satisfy a woman with a guidebook and a torch. It's all about taking their sexual opportunities, slight as they may be, and saying they're sold out. That's right, sexually inadequate men! Lesbians are, to you, sold out.

Phone your sex line. The woman on the end doesn't give a flying fuck about you. But don't delude yourself about your own sexuality, or your sexual needs. That's how you end up hurting people. Don't be ashamed of what you need or want. Just wonder about how you want to get it in real life without terrifying someone.

Sexuality is not bad. Application can take a bit of work.